La Costa Counseling | Grief Recovery

What is grief? Simply defined, grief is the normal and natural reaction to significant emotional loss of any kind. While we never compare losses, any list would include death and divorce as obvious painful losses. Our list also includes many others such as retirement, moving, pet loss, financial and health issues.

While grief is normal and natural, most information we pass on about grief is not normal, natural, or helpful. Grief is the emotional response to loss, but most of the information we have learned about dealing with loss is intellectual.

The majority of incorrect ideas about dealing with loss can be summed up in six myths, which are so common that nearly everyone recognizes them. The misinformation is best described in the following:

Time heals all wounds
Grieve alone
Be strong
Don’t feel bad
Replace the loss
Keep busy

The myth that “time heals” creates the idea that a person just has to wait to feel better. However, we have known people who have waited 10, 20, 30, and 40 years and still did not feel better. They relate that not only had time not healed them, but it had compounded the pain. The other five myths carry equally unhelpful messages.

THE SOLUTION

Recovery from loss is accomplished by discovering and completing all of the undelivered communications that accrue in relationships. There are a whole host of feelings that may be attached to those unsaid things. Happiness, sadness, love, fear, anger, relief, and compassion are just some of the feelings that a griever might experience. We do not need to analyze or explain those feelings. However, we DO need to learn how to communicate them effectively so that we can complete any unfinished emotional communications.

IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED ONE OR MORE LOSSES, AND YOU WISH TO MOVE BEYOND THE PAIN, THIS PROGRAM OFFERS YOU THE PROBABILITY OF A RICHER AND MORE REWARDING LIFE.

The GriefRecovery® Outreach Program assists each participant to complete their relationship with the pain and unfinished business caused by a death, divorce or any other significant emotional loss. The Program creates the safety and the correct action choices that help people move beyond the pain caused by loss. It is a 10-12 week class or seven week one-on-one individual program which provides a safe environment to look at old beliefs regarding dealing with loss. The Grief Recovery Handbook, The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses, (released by HarperCollins in 1998), by John W. James and Russell Friedman is used as the text for the Outreach Program.

The GriefRecovery®Outreach Program is led by Ann Tanner, psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, who has been trained and certified by The GriefRecovery® Institute.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

When is it time to do my “grief work?”
How does GriefRecovery® differ from therapy?
What are some indicators that unresolved grief is the cause of my discomfort?
What is the difference between GriefRecovery®and other loss and grief programs?

When is it time to do my “grief work?”
This is the most difficult question facing grievers. Part of the problem stems from the biggest single inaccurate idea that we were all socialized to believe: “Time heals all wounds.” TIME DOES NOT HEAL. Actions can help discover and complete unfinished emotional business. When can a person begin to discover and complete all of the things that one wishes had ended “different, better or more”? When does an individual explore the broken “hopes, dreams, and expectations” about the future? The answer is immediately. If you feel you are ready to look at the loss, then it is time.

How does GriefRecovery® differ from therapy?
Since there are so many different types of therapies, it is difficult to give a singular answer. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. Grief is not, in itself, a pathological condition nor a personality disorder. GriefRecovery® is primarily an educational, or re-educational experience, based on the fact that most of us were never taught effective tools for dealing with grief. Most participants find that their subsequent therapy is enhanced by their experience in the workshop. In fact, many therapists refer clients to the workshop.

What are some indicators that unresolved grief is the cause of my discomfort?
Unresolved grief tends to take people “out of the moment.” Grief causes “conversations” with people who are no longer physically there with you. This is not limited to death. You are equally likely to be lost in a conversation with a former spouse, still living, who is not physically present. Assuming you are in good health, unresolved grief tends to drain you of energy and to close down one's heart. Consequently, we “protect” ourselves by not loving again. More accurately, we limit our loving exposure and new relationships may fail. Commonly, grievers hide their true feelings for fear of being judged. Where isolation is the problem, participation is a major component of the solution.

The GriefRecovery®Program is the ultimate participation aimed at discovering and completing the unfinished emotional business that fuels the isolation.

What is the difference between GriefRecovery®and other loss and grief programs?
Many grief groups provide an environment for people to verbalize the thoughts and feelings they experience following a loss. While there is benefit to that kind of expression, often it is not enough. Generally, it will have a short-term benefit that does not address the underlying issues of “incomplete emotional” communications that sustain unresolved grief. The GriefRecovery® Outreach Program addresses the incompleteness so that there is long-term benefit. One completes the pain and the unfinished emotions.